Lost memories of a glorious song
The year 2000 was famous for many things, the Y2K bug not destroying the world being one. It was also the year I fell in love with the irish accent, when it said my name. When I realised that my life was in a downwards spiral after years of abuse and suffering with, the phrase which I prefer, and nicked from the smashing pumpkins, 'melancholy and infinite sadness'. Depression is a horrible world and I always felt that it didn't mean anything; whereas 'infinite sadness' seemed more apt and a better descriptive, it appealed to my literary florid nature. I also experienced death up close, for the first time.
I heard on Valentines day that my Grandfather died. I don't think you ever get used to that kind of news. I remember coming home from work and seeing my mum heartbroken. When she told me, I did not think I could ever feel such pain, having 'arrogantly' believed I could control my emotions to feel all the walls ripped away from your heart is disconcerting, especially so swiftly. I guess, looking back now, through sobriety and being a seriously responsible person the reality was that once you're at the bottom you can only ever ascend.
The year 2000 was a turning point. Within a year I would no longer live in Brixham and all the historical claws that kept me there would fall away and I felt the sense of release increase gradually. All my friends would no longer be five minutes away. I could no longer spend all night talking and drinking with them. There are times, though fewer and fewer that I still miss the 3am conversations that started at 7pm, after a couple of bottles of wine, with vikki, claire, shaun, Rio, etc. Yet, I know now the move was needed and I am a better person for leaving. In fact, and I wont repeat my testimony but I was lead away really, to a better place, for a reason. I am not a huge one for what ifs, but right now if I do try and wonder 'what if' I had stayed? I honestly cannot imagine anything right now, it's as though had I stayed I would no longer have existed, i see clearly, nothing.
After writing this sentence the though just dropped into my rather weary head, well two, the first one being I attended my first meeting of the day at 8.30am and I shouldn't be blogging at 1am. The second is that I actually forgot to mention the one, rather major thing, that could explain why I cannot visualise the 'what if'. The year 2000, was the year that I killed myself legally and became a brand new person. I was born Tony Williams and in the year 2000 I paid £45 to have the name Tony Williams erased and replaced by Tony Theaker. I erased my previous existence. I remember the amusement at work when I had left one shift as Tony Williams and returned the following day as Tony Theaker, they all thought me a little weird and that I was joking.
It really is that simple and quick. I changed my name as I really felt the need to remove my fathers surname and replace it with a surname of a man I more loved and respected, this was was my grandfathers surname. I had it done within a few weeks of his death. I felt is was a way in which I could 'honour' the person, the man. Maybe I cannot visualise 'what if' because Tony Theaker was never meant to be a person for Brixham, his life had never been mapped out for there.
It is an interesting question, and one I have pondered every now and again; does changing your name make you a different person? Am I the same person who Tony Williams was? I would say I am in so many ways radically different from that person, I am doing radically different things to what Tony Williams would have done. I no longer recognise the name, it is the name of a perfect stranger. Yet, I know that the reasons for this change are undoubtedly bound up in a faith way, but I feel sure that somewhere along the line there is a little factor which is calculated by me trying to live up to what I believe the new name deserved. I am convinced that the new name almost certainly set me onto a track, one which I am still on and which has diverged, almost unrecognisably from the one Tony Williams travelled.
And the crazy thing about this whole post was that I was merely going to comment that it also contained a band called Toploader, who had a huge hit with a song called 'dancing in the moonlight', yet on the same album, there was a real beauty of a song that for me, became almost anthemic that year. I think I finally realised that I had an achilles heel and had to deal with it, once and for all. For those who know the myth, Brixham and all my history associated with it, was Paris' arrow.
This blooging, really can be, rather cathartic.
I heard on Valentines day that my Grandfather died. I don't think you ever get used to that kind of news. I remember coming home from work and seeing my mum heartbroken. When she told me, I did not think I could ever feel such pain, having 'arrogantly' believed I could control my emotions to feel all the walls ripped away from your heart is disconcerting, especially so swiftly. I guess, looking back now, through sobriety and being a seriously responsible person the reality was that once you're at the bottom you can only ever ascend.
The year 2000 was a turning point. Within a year I would no longer live in Brixham and all the historical claws that kept me there would fall away and I felt the sense of release increase gradually. All my friends would no longer be five minutes away. I could no longer spend all night talking and drinking with them. There are times, though fewer and fewer that I still miss the 3am conversations that started at 7pm, after a couple of bottles of wine, with vikki, claire, shaun, Rio, etc. Yet, I know now the move was needed and I am a better person for leaving. In fact, and I wont repeat my testimony but I was lead away really, to a better place, for a reason. I am not a huge one for what ifs, but right now if I do try and wonder 'what if' I had stayed? I honestly cannot imagine anything right now, it's as though had I stayed I would no longer have existed, i see clearly, nothing.
After writing this sentence the though just dropped into my rather weary head, well two, the first one being I attended my first meeting of the day at 8.30am and I shouldn't be blogging at 1am. The second is that I actually forgot to mention the one, rather major thing, that could explain why I cannot visualise the 'what if'. The year 2000, was the year that I killed myself legally and became a brand new person. I was born Tony Williams and in the year 2000 I paid £45 to have the name Tony Williams erased and replaced by Tony Theaker. I erased my previous existence. I remember the amusement at work when I had left one shift as Tony Williams and returned the following day as Tony Theaker, they all thought me a little weird and that I was joking.
It really is that simple and quick. I changed my name as I really felt the need to remove my fathers surname and replace it with a surname of a man I more loved and respected, this was was my grandfathers surname. I had it done within a few weeks of his death. I felt is was a way in which I could 'honour' the person, the man. Maybe I cannot visualise 'what if' because Tony Theaker was never meant to be a person for Brixham, his life had never been mapped out for there.
It is an interesting question, and one I have pondered every now and again; does changing your name make you a different person? Am I the same person who Tony Williams was? I would say I am in so many ways radically different from that person, I am doing radically different things to what Tony Williams would have done. I no longer recognise the name, it is the name of a perfect stranger. Yet, I know that the reasons for this change are undoubtedly bound up in a faith way, but I feel sure that somewhere along the line there is a little factor which is calculated by me trying to live up to what I believe the new name deserved. I am convinced that the new name almost certainly set me onto a track, one which I am still on and which has diverged, almost unrecognisably from the one Tony Williams travelled.
And the crazy thing about this whole post was that I was merely going to comment that it also contained a band called Toploader, who had a huge hit with a song called 'dancing in the moonlight', yet on the same album, there was a real beauty of a song that for me, became almost anthemic that year. I think I finally realised that I had an achilles heel and had to deal with it, once and for all. For those who know the myth, Brixham and all my history associated with it, was Paris' arrow.
This blooging, really can be, rather cathartic.
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