It's the same but isn't the same
I am sat in a pub tonight, not any old pub, but the pub. The one I used to frequent, a lot. It used to be the best and busiest pub in the bay. It used to be standing only, even in weekdays. I am sat alone tonight. There is no one really here, yet the same music is playing on the jukebox that we used to play. Except when we played it, it was new music.
I can still look out of the windows and see the lights dance on the bay outside, the view will never change, i have. For example, this is my third drink in two days. I uses to be able to do three in twenty minutes, here, in this town any way.
I could spend the night watching the ghosts of memories and people in this pub, walking past that bar, uttering the same conversation we used to have. I first met the girlfriend my wife saw for the first and probably, only ever time yesterday, in passing. She was a huge part of my life, for a time. It was a strange experience.
I used to be able to walk into this pub alone but then drink with company. Tonight I am alone and will remain so. I think I prefer that now. Time has moved on, as have I. But memories still remain and always will, fading with time but jarring the present mind set with old shocks.
Ive spent the last hour having a drink with a lad I first met when he was seven. He's 24 now. That was when the memories I am talking about started. Nigh on 17 yrs ago. And here I am. Posing the question would the 19yr old me recognise me? Would I be seen as the logical conclusion to my life, as I sit here? Or was I a product of my break With the town? I like to think the latter, but almost a lifetime has passed for that, green, naive 19 yr old. Times have certainly changed, and i have changed in that time, for the better without question.
But it could all have been so different, couldn't? I'm glad it wasn't. I wouldn't trade the life of this 35yr old for that of the 19yr old. It's an incomparable situation. But the memories are still there, always will be. They make me who I am. And whether that's good or bad, it is me. It is what we are made of. Isn't it?
I think now of how the 50yr old me will look back on the 35yr old me and what would I say to myself?
I can still look out of the windows and see the lights dance on the bay outside, the view will never change, i have. For example, this is my third drink in two days. I uses to be able to do three in twenty minutes, here, in this town any way.
I could spend the night watching the ghosts of memories and people in this pub, walking past that bar, uttering the same conversation we used to have. I first met the girlfriend my wife saw for the first and probably, only ever time yesterday, in passing. She was a huge part of my life, for a time. It was a strange experience.
I used to be able to walk into this pub alone but then drink with company. Tonight I am alone and will remain so. I think I prefer that now. Time has moved on, as have I. But memories still remain and always will, fading with time but jarring the present mind set with old shocks.
Ive spent the last hour having a drink with a lad I first met when he was seven. He's 24 now. That was when the memories I am talking about started. Nigh on 17 yrs ago. And here I am. Posing the question would the 19yr old me recognise me? Would I be seen as the logical conclusion to my life, as I sit here? Or was I a product of my break With the town? I like to think the latter, but almost a lifetime has passed for that, green, naive 19 yr old. Times have certainly changed, and i have changed in that time, for the better without question.
But it could all have been so different, couldn't? I'm glad it wasn't. I wouldn't trade the life of this 35yr old for that of the 19yr old. It's an incomparable situation. But the memories are still there, always will be. They make me who I am. And whether that's good or bad, it is me. It is what we are made of. Isn't it?
I think now of how the 50yr old me will look back on the 35yr old me and what would I say to myself?
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