Retuning A Brain
I have embarked on a new course, which I hope will help towards where I work now. It encompasses an area I am at times familiar with and know a little about. Other areas might as well be in a foreign language for me. But there in lies the challenge. It isn't anything to do with either the Romans or the Greeks, for the first time in my life. That may be the next course, perhaps!
There are days when it can flow well and there are days when it is like pulling teeth. I especially enjoy sitting in front of a document and realising that I, in now way understand what I am being told, why I am being told it and what I will actually do with it once I have conquered the first two issues. I feel like an idiot. This is not easy for me, academically, at least. Not a situation I am often faced with, as has been previously mentioned I have been fairly well focused on Classics for the last 17years or so in one way or another.
Yet, for all this swimming in unfamiliar water the results of the first two essays where particularly strong, indeed far stronger and far higher than I could conceivably imagine. This proves again my one great academic weakness which I have carried with me since University, which is this; Setting my standards far higher than they actually need to be. This may sound arrogant but it isn't. Here let me explain. I am driven to over polish and will given time continually tinker and trying to improve what I write, except on here of course, until I realise that I will at some point run out of time. I do this from the point of view that I am utterly convinced that what usually sits before me is completely inadequate and is essentially rubbish. Therefore it needs tinkering and re-writing - just adding that little bit more. I then spent the prior 48hrs to submission editing like an idiot.
This has been a curse. I have of course always been fortunate in studying what I love so to a certain degree have done reasonably well in what I have submitted. In this course that sense of comfort has gone. To be replaced by the continual desire to want to make it better but not being aware of how it's being benchmarked, scary times.
The cure to all this is that I am trying to manage my expectations. In this course it doesn't have to be brilliant and because I am unable to commit full time to it like I did the Masters degree, which is a massive internal frustration as if I could then I could churn out something brilliant (you see, the mindset I am working with here). I am learning to do what is needed, so as to minimise the stress of knowing I cannot fully put my shoulder to the wheel and actually what I draft will probably be good enough, so I should set a time to write and then edit what I have. Not just carry on writing and researching to the last minute searching for that unrealisable perfection.
It also helps that I am a little more relaxed now than I was prior to receiving the first marks back. It showed 2 things. One, I am on the right track and can still read a question and get the arrow close enough to the bull. and two, I know roughly what the standard I need to be aiming at is and I don't need to keep beating myself up thinking what I am doing isn't good enough, because it probably will be. That is not to say you don't try as hard as possible. You also should of course, but it helps knowing that what you submit, barring a completely stupid mess, is probably going to be okay.
I do though at times look at the classics books I have and wish I was picking those of the shelf to study. Because history is where my heart is and always will be.
There are days when it can flow well and there are days when it is like pulling teeth. I especially enjoy sitting in front of a document and realising that I, in now way understand what I am being told, why I am being told it and what I will actually do with it once I have conquered the first two issues. I feel like an idiot. This is not easy for me, academically, at least. Not a situation I am often faced with, as has been previously mentioned I have been fairly well focused on Classics for the last 17years or so in one way or another.
Yet, for all this swimming in unfamiliar water the results of the first two essays where particularly strong, indeed far stronger and far higher than I could conceivably imagine. This proves again my one great academic weakness which I have carried with me since University, which is this; Setting my standards far higher than they actually need to be. This may sound arrogant but it isn't. Here let me explain. I am driven to over polish and will given time continually tinker and trying to improve what I write, except on here of course, until I realise that I will at some point run out of time. I do this from the point of view that I am utterly convinced that what usually sits before me is completely inadequate and is essentially rubbish. Therefore it needs tinkering and re-writing - just adding that little bit more. I then spent the prior 48hrs to submission editing like an idiot.
This has been a curse. I have of course always been fortunate in studying what I love so to a certain degree have done reasonably well in what I have submitted. In this course that sense of comfort has gone. To be replaced by the continual desire to want to make it better but not being aware of how it's being benchmarked, scary times.
The cure to all this is that I am trying to manage my expectations. In this course it doesn't have to be brilliant and because I am unable to commit full time to it like I did the Masters degree, which is a massive internal frustration as if I could then I could churn out something brilliant (you see, the mindset I am working with here). I am learning to do what is needed, so as to minimise the stress of knowing I cannot fully put my shoulder to the wheel and actually what I draft will probably be good enough, so I should set a time to write and then edit what I have. Not just carry on writing and researching to the last minute searching for that unrealisable perfection.
It also helps that I am a little more relaxed now than I was prior to receiving the first marks back. It showed 2 things. One, I am on the right track and can still read a question and get the arrow close enough to the bull. and two, I know roughly what the standard I need to be aiming at is and I don't need to keep beating myself up thinking what I am doing isn't good enough, because it probably will be. That is not to say you don't try as hard as possible. You also should of course, but it helps knowing that what you submit, barring a completely stupid mess, is probably going to be okay.
I do though at times look at the classics books I have and wish I was picking those of the shelf to study. Because history is where my heart is and always will be.
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